Disciplining in a way that fosters connection

by Jane Mose, Family Peer Specialist and Certified Parenting Coach
This article is also available as a printable download.

Imagine a situation in which a child acts out—perhaps steals from their parent, hits and injures a sibling, or deliberately breaks something valuable in their home. The parent becomes very angry and feels out of control, yelling at their child, promising a huge punishment, and ordering the child to their room. The child storms off to their room and slams the door. The parent hangs their head, exasperated and frustrated, feeling awful about losing control but at a loss for what else to do.

Does this sound familiar? If so, you may be concerned that your discipline has been causing a rift between you and your child. But it is possible to discipline your child without causing such a rift. In fact, you can discipline in a way that will actually help you and your child feel more strongly connected afterward! Here are some ways to do that:

1. Remember that the purpose of discipline is to teach.

The word discipline comes from a Latin word meaning “pupil.” The objective of discipline is not to punish, but to correct the child’s behavior in a way that helps the child learn. Use only as much discipline as you need to get your child back on track. For example, if your child responds to you in a sassy tone, a simple, playful word “Oops!” from you might be enough to get your child to say, “Sorry,” and restate their response in a more respectful way. If your child makes that correction, they are back on track—no punishment is needed, as the lesson was quickly learned. Praise your child for fixing it!

In discipline, often “less is more.” You do need to consistently correct negative behaviors, but over-reacting can make things worse and hurt your connection with your child.

2. Discipline calmly and confidently.

It is not necessary to yell harshly at children in order to discipline them, and a study has shown that harsh yelling can have very detrimental effects on children. God has even told us in his Word not to be harsh or exasperate our children (Proverbs 15:1; Ephesians 6:4). You might say, “But my children only listen to me when I yell!” If so, this could be a learned behavior—they have learned that when you yell, you are serious. You can work to change that by consistently using a firm, but controlled voice, as you follow through with discipline and by praising your children when they listen to you.

When you stay in control, you come across as a confident parent. Children are more likely to listen to and obey a parent who is confident and in control; they are less likely to listen to you when they can get you worked up, and it will hurt your relationship. (Read more about this here.) Children will feel safer and more connected to you if they know that you will not yell or lose control, no matter what they do.

3. Encourage your child to use their words, respectfully.

One way to do this is by offering choices even when your child is misbehaving. For example, if you tell your child it’s time to take a bath, and they angrily refuse, you can firmly offer two ways your child can comply: “You do need to get clean. Would you like to take a bath or a shower tonight?” “Would you like the bath to be with bubbles or without bubbles?” “Would you rather take your bath right now or in five minutes?” If your child can respectfully make that choice, they will still be obeying you—and they will be learning that “Safe people listen to me,” which will encourage using respectful words in the future.

You can also allow your child to respectfully suggest a different option. For example, your child could say, “May I please take a shower in the morning instead?” If your child asks respectfully, you can consider granting that request. However, do not give in if your child yells an angry, disrespectful demand. Simply say, “My ears can’t hear those words! If you want another choice, please use calm and kind words to ask.” You will be teaching your child that you want to hear their good words and take their feelings into account, which will strengthen your connection.

4. Always reconnect with your child after a behavioral incident.

Consider that each time you need to discipline your child, the episode will end with you and your child being either more strongly connected or with a weaker connection. You don’t make the connection stronger by giving in to your angry child—that will be more likely to cause your child to lose respect for you. You strengthen your connection by ending the incident with forgiveness and love.

Let your child know that Jesus died for their sin, so they are forgiven by him and by you too. Reassure your child that although what they did was not ok, they are and always will be loved by you and precious to you. It’s easy to say, “I love you so much” or “I’m so glad God gave me you!” right after your child has given you a birthday gift or helped around the house. But it’s much more impactful when you say that right after your child did something very wrong! Remember, in spite of the many ways each of us has sinned, God’s love for us has been unwavering (Jeremiah 31:3). We want our love for our children to reflect that gracious love from God.

If you’re looking for more practical parenting guidance, Christian Family Solutions offers an online course called Strengthening Parent-Child Connections. This self-paced online program equips you with tools to understand and strengthen your child’s attachment style, fostering deeper trust and connection.

Access the course here