Helping your child feel safe: the power of felt safety

by Jane Mose, Family Peer Specialist and Certified Parenting Coach

Christian parents know what a blessing their children are. God’s Word says, “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3). Most parents go to great lengths to keep their children safe. They use safety locks and latches to keep infants and toddlers from getting at harmful items. They check age recommendations on toys. As children grow, parents teach them about dangers they might encounter—everything from hot stoves to barking dogs, moving cars, strangers, and internet predators.

What is “Felt Safety”?

If you are a parent who has done all these things and more to keep your children safe, that’s wonderful! But even with all your precautions, teaching, and reassurances, it is possible that your children still don’t feel safe.

This is especially likely if you have welcomed children from hard places into your home, or if any of your children have experienced trauma. Trauma—including abuse, neglect, frightening events, being born after a difficult or stressful pregnancy, or undergoing major medical procedures—can skew the wiring of the brain. It can cause the primitive, survival parts of children’s brains to become over-reactive, creating a chronic state of fear.

Even though you know the children are safe, they may not have felt safety: the internal confidence that they are safe.

Signs Your Child May Lack Felt Safety

Many of the most aggressive and combative behaviors children display are the result of a lack of felt safety. Whining and attention-seeking, likewise, can be signs. Parents often say, “But my child doesn’t act like he’s afraid!”

It’s important to remember that children often do not know how to express that they feel afraid. In fact, they might not even realize it themselves. However, their fearful, over-active survival brains can be easily triggered by things like

• Hunger
• A harsh voice
• A difficult task
• A lack of choices.

Fight, Flight, and Freeze Responses

These triggers can cause the brain to go into fight, flight, or freeze responses, such as:

• Fight responses: hitting, kicking, pushing, screaming, destroying property, defiance, whining, crying
• Flight responses: running away, lying, looking away, excessive fidgeting or restlessness, hiding (either completely or just their face)
• Freeze responses: withdrawing, not complying with instructions, shutting down, rapid breathing

Practical Ways to Build Felt Safety

Thankfully, there is hope for children who live in a chronic state of fear. Felt safety can be developed through a strong connection with a loving, supportive caregiver, such as a caring parent. Here are some ways you can help your children develop felt safety:

1. Be predictable.
Have routines in your home so that children know what to expect. Give warnings before transitions: “Bath time will be in ten minutes.” When changes are expected, prepare the children ahead of time by explaining what will happen and when.

2. Allow children to have some control.
This does not mean that children run the home; they need the guidance of caring adults in order to feel safe! But whenever possible, offer choices. Make sure all the choices are acceptable to you. For example, you could ask, “Would you like to finish your book now and then get ready for bed, or get ready for bed first and then finish your book?” You are still in charge, but you offer two options for accomplishing the same goal.

3. Keep yourself regulated.
When children become aggressive out of fear, losing control of your emotions—by yelling, for example—will escalate their fears. Instead, echo what they are saying in a calm but empathetic way, at about one-third of their volume.

Staying Calm as a Parent

For example, if your child screams, “You never let me get what I want! I hate you!” after being told he can’t buy a new electronic game, you might respond, “I hear you! You want that game, and you’re angry.” Just reflecting his feelings can help him regulate. Stay with him, using an increasingly gentle tone of voice to show you care. Later, when he is calm, you can talk about the situation and offer him a chance to “re-do” his disrespectful response.

When a child has a fight response, it is natural for the parent to become angry and think about punishment. When your child has a freeze response and won’t answer you, it can feel frustrating and disrespectful. These moments can test even the most loving parents. Staying regulated doesn’t mean you will never be angry or frustrated. It means you remain in control of your emotions and respond in a loving, safe way to help your child regulate and re-do.

God’s Love Drives Out Fear

The Bible tells us, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). A child who is fearful cannot learn, but a child who feels loved and safe can thrive.

These are just a few ways to increase your child’s sense of felt safety. Strengthening your connection to your child can also greatly help. Christian Family Solutions offers an online course on Strengthening Parent-Child Connections that provides more practical ideas on this topic.

May God bless your efforts to help your child experience the gift of felt safety!